You love video games, I know you do you cheeky bastard, you love it *ruffles hair*. Now, I want you to remember all those times where you had to put down your game controller to study for an exam, or complete an assessment. Let that anger build up inside you, yell out a profanity or two. “Go jump off a cliff Mrs. Bailey, suck on a cactus Mr. Jordan, and go watch an Elton John concert Mr. Ranger.” Get it all out of your system.
Once you’re done you will realise that they haven’t got a hold on you anymore. You are free, and you are about to organise the most awesome gaming marathon ever. There will be late nights, power boards, AA batteries and upset parents banging at your door.
You’re probably wondering though, ‘how does one prepare themselves for such extreme activities?’ I can tell you right now that you need not look any further, as it’s all right here, the complete and somewhat dangerous guide on how to enter that state of pure entertainment. Get pumped. Get amped.
It’s on.
For everyones
Step One: Prep yo
If you think it’s as easy as jumping on your couch and flicking on the TV, I’m afraid you are horribly mistaken. It takes a lot of thought and planning to make sure that you don’t run into any troubles down the road. What most people tend to forget when participating in such an event, is that you need food. Actually, let me rephrase, you need the RIGHT food.
The right food being Mi goreng and Pizza Pockets.
These two right here, are the ultimate in gaming food. Nothing says ‘
What, and break my extreme concentration? Where do you get off? If you have been listening to anything that I have been telling you, then you would know that you are going to be so captivated in your gaming experience that hours will pass, and the house will burn down around you. Safety first man. You are talking dangerous stuff.
You are also going to need games. Nothing worse than psyching yourself up for a gaming marathon, then remembering that you have no games, and that you sold your Super Nintendo 5 years ago. Yes, you will be needing your Super Nintendo. Go buy it back. He’s charging you $100? Tell him he’s dreaming.
Buying the right kind of game is easy, you should already know what’s worth buying or not, but if you don’t and you are a reserved kind of guy overflowing with social awkwardness and terrible, terrible acne, then simply wander to you local game store and look at what’s being advertised on posters and TV screens around the joint. The games that are advertised in that fashion are usually the best sellers, and there’s a high chance that they are decent game. Be sure to wear sunglasses and a hat, to take the focus off your acne, or they may up the price.
Set up everything on the biggest TV/monitor in the house. Don't worry if its a 1970's 30cm cathode ray with the power button doubling as the volume dial, as long as the right ports are there the gaming session is still happening, it's just no where near as awesome as... *searches the internet...* ...this!
That is just insane, that guy is crazy, whoever he is! Can such amazing products be within such close proximity with each other? I guess they can, but it certainly scares me! You'll will be doing something similar to this, so get that Megadrive out of the roof. Leave the Dreamcast up there.
Step Two: Learning about what to do before and after games
Once you stock up hard on games and food, you are ready to start your intense session. You are basically going to be moving to and from your kitchen between games. Got a 20 hours game lined up to play? Stock up on plenty of food beforehand, have it last throughout the game, then make your way back to the kitchen once you’ve finished it. You need to know how to cook this stuff, and far be it from me to keep it a secret. Do note however that these methods have been altered to minimise the amount of time spent in the kitchen, thus maximising the amount of time spent on your gaming system. Lets do it. Ready Lance?
First we'll need a pot.
Oh Yoshi, you and your hide and seek!
Remove Yoshi, and fill it (the pot) with boiling water before placing it on a stove and covering it with a lid. The water will boil faster this way. While this is happening you want to tear open 2 packets of mi goreng and empty out the contents of the packet onto a table for later use.
Now to prepare the Pockets!
First rip open the box of pizza pockets and throw 4 of them into the microwave.
Thats some good ripping!
If you are quick in opening the box, you may have time to remove the plastic.
See! Ripped box, no plastic!
Set the microwave to 3 minutes and close the door.
Now, even if your water isn’t boiling, place all of the noodle related contents in the pot. If your water is boiling, you are ahead of schedule and are allowed to remove the soy sauce and extras from their plastic wrapping. Ok, maybe just cut the top off and throw them in, it takes too long.
Once you hear your microwave go off, not only are your pockets done, but so are your noodles. I hope you like them a bit raw, cause there’s no time to let them cook for any longer. Turn off the stove and strain the love juice from the noodles.
I know, it’s heart breaking, the broth is almost my favourite part (my favourite being that feeling you get when you have half a noodle in your mouth and the other half dangling down your throat,) however it extends your eating time by about a minute, your preparation and washing time by about 2 minutes, and it just makes things generally messier. It’s not going to happen.
Place the strained noodles on a paper plate, or a thick paper towel. You are in a hurry, and etiquette will be the last thing on your mind at this point, considering how badly you just cooked this stuff.
Adorn your noodles with the entrails of the pizza pockets, and use the hollow pastry shell as a utensil. Watch in amazement as two edible items become one, thus saving more time.
Also, there’s no fork! And the less you have to wash, the quicker you can get back to your gaming session.
But that’s enough about food, you should already be back on the couch with your controller in your hand. You already know how to prepare and successfully survive through your gaming marathon, the question now is ‘how can I get MAXIMUM enjoyment out of gaming.’ Lets go. Thanks Lance!
Step Three: It’s on
Its 10pm. You have the house to yourself. To your right, on a table, is a paper plate. Its contents prove visually unrecognisable; its smell however caresses your senses like a eucalyptus leaf to a Koala. To your left, a stack of games, alphabetised, categorised (colourised, genrised, chronologicallised, ised-ised), and ready for insertion...(giggle.) In front of you is every console and handheld you have ever owned, placed carefully in a line.
Is it finally time? Am I ready for this?
Starting with your oldest console, pick up the dusty and frail cartridge from the top of your stack. Give it a blow for a bit of nostalgic pain and discomfort in your now irritated eyes, and place it into the console. Turn your speakers up to full blast, then break the dial/buttons, and throw the remote over your neighbours fence, so that even if it is too loud, you have no way of turning it down. Finally, turn on your console, and sit down. Get into it. It has begun, it’s actually happening, you are doing it.
Colours, so many colours, so many beeps, bops and blinking lights. It’s too awesome for words. The sound is so intense and overwhelming, you can hear it inside your head, as if it were a part of you. The 8-bit visuals will multiply in quality as you go from one generation of games to the next. Your chair has moved forward and without realising it you are now only centimetres away from your television. You drift in and out of reality; you could have sworn that you were playing a side scrolling game in first person for a second there, you were in the game, you could feel the textures, you could taste the moisture in the air, you had your palm read by Russel Grant.
You forget all about your school, all about your teachers, and all about that horrible acne problem. It is you and your games and then suddenly it’s all over.
To your right is an empty plate, with remnants of what once was a convenient ally. To your left is the same stack of games, only this time, alphabetised from Z to A. In front of you is white noise, and a line up of consoles, their controllers tangled with each other, one. You know that school begins tomorrow, but you are satisfied in what you have accomplished. “Until next holidays...”
That’s all there is. It’s an experience that you will never forget. I for one would never try it, but then again, I never really had an acne problem so that’s understandable. Actually now that I think of it, this is really unhealthy. Wait, no, it’s more than that, it’s just plain old dangerous! Don’t ever do this! Why would you even read this article? Seriously this could kill you! LANCE STOP!!!
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Mi Goreng is so cheap and tasty, but it is also death... So we usually go for the healthy alternative and eat the biggests burgers from Maccas or the biggest meals you can buy at KFC.
One of my friends continues to walk across the road to EB games to buy a PS3 game, play it for a couple of minutes, and to return it using their "return policies" to play another.
We also turn off the music within games, to replace with ipod music which is played through the speaks above the television. The TV ain't HD but it runs games almost perfectly, and has done for almost 7 years.
A whole range of people drop by throughout the day, and it gets crazy sometimes. One time we se petrol of fire and tried to put it out with a hose but it created a massive fire tornado which went out of control and set the wall on one side of the driveway on fire.
The phone rings twice an hour and it is never answered. I will not speak the names of the people who come around to my house, as they are members of this website, and woul kill me if I told them of their actions.