System: Wii
Developer: Tamsoft
Publisher: D3 Publisher
Genre: Action
Players: 1-2
I'm sure it's happened to all of us at least once; there you are, just minding your own business, when all of a sudden... zombies. A few can be seen very slowly shuffling outside the window, their shattered shins and rotting, paper-thin flesh results in a rather humorous balancing act. But no! There's no time to laugh. Give them a few hours and they might be upon your doorstop, hopelessly attempting to break it down with the power of unpleasant moaning.
Naturally, you scramble to the wardrobe, slap on whatever combination of clothing comes to hand and head out to save the world. Meet Aya, Onechanbara's protagonist. She's having one of those days. Sporting a bikini, cowboy hat, flowing pink scarf, over-the-knee boots and a belt that defies gravity, she's dressed to kill. Although the twin katanas also help.
Onechanbara is a stupid game. But it's that special kind of stupid, when you're fully aware that it's never trying to be anything but a simple, mind numbing experience. Flicking through the instruction manual, only 3 of the 12 pages are there to explain how the game is played. The completely over-the-top combat and eyebrow raising novelty of watching Aya get off from being drenched in blood might be enough to drag you through the bland level design and non-sensical story. Might.
... I see!
Starting off in a graveyard, Aya will eventually make her way through the city, an underground subway, a forest and a very large cave (exciting!) While each level is quite large, there's little room to explore as they force you along in a traditional 1990's brawler style. Just without the flashing neon arrows, thumbs or "GO". Zombies magically appear from the ground, leaving neat and tidy little holes behind them that quickly vanish. Typically the game will 'trap' you within a certain area until you clear all of the spawning zombies.
Wiggle the controller at random and you'll find yourself hacking limbs off left and right. It's one of those games that doesn't even pretend to make any real use of the Wii Remote. Still, with certain button combinations, combat can become an addictive combo meal, with juggling and pointless - yet fancy – style. There's a lock-on function with the Z button, but there's usually so many enemies bunched together that you can just jump on in and go crazy.
Blood gushes everywhere in a rather comical fashion; to the extent where it simulates splashing onto the screen and dripping down. Clearly these zombies once took part in the Mortal Kombat tournament. Tamsoft have seen fit to change the blood to a healthy red colour – the original Japanese release had purple blood to avoid getting the 'Z' rating (what would be our R18+ rating... if we had one). Although you can change it to purple, green or white if you want. I'll leave that last one up to your imagination.
Both Aya and her sword get coated in blood over time; you can flick the sword clean by holding the B button while shaking the Wii Remote. Leave it for too long and it'll become harder to swing, while dealing less damage. The 'Splatter' gauge keeps track of how bloody Aya herself is getting, although it's entirely visible. What little clothing she has gets drenched, and she'll start hunching over and whimpering the more she's splashed with. Visiting a statue of the Virgin Mary will clean her up (no, really). Alternatively, you can use Virgin Mary trinkets that enemies drop. I hope my body leaves behind something useful when I pass away. Like a Tonka truck – that'd be so awesome.
If the Splatter gauge completely fills up, Aya will go insane, transforming into her bizarre rampage state. She'll dish out a lot more damage, yet her life bar will continue to deplete until she comes in contact with a statue. Sometimes it's essential to trigger this condition, as some enemies are too powerful for regular attacks. There's really not much variety in the zombies, but Onechanbara still manages to deliver a more interesting line-up than Chop Till You Drop. My favorite were the army soldiers who would just stand around throwing grenades; sometimes they'd pull the pin and just let it drop by their sides. Ah, suicidal zombies.
There's a total of four characters you can play as in the game. They each run through the same environments, but the level design is changed around. Aya and her sister Saki are avaliable from the get-go. Saki is much more skilled in hand-to-hand combat, and likes to rip the hearts out of everyone's chest for fun and profit. Reiko has the advantage of a shotgun and sub-machine gun, letting her pick enemies off from a distance. Then there's Misery, a complete psychopath that lugs around a gigantic sword that would put Cloud Strife to shame. Combat's slow, but she can wipe out most enemies within a single hit.
Each character's story will take about two hours on the hardest difficulty. Don't even bother with easy or normal - the enemies seem oblivious to your presence. Aside from Virgin Mary statues and health boosters, the downed zombies will also leave behind yellow and red orbs. Yellow ones go towards your experience, while red orbs increase the Splatter gauge in case you're in a hurry to go insane. At the end of each level, you'll be graded based on your hit and kill combos, and how many orbs you've picked up. They can then be spent on upgrading various attitributes. Replay value is limited to how badly you want to level up each character, plus there's also an assortment of different costumes to unlock.
The presentation's fairly basic stuff. The graphics are a slight step up from the second PS2 game (localised as Zombie Hunters 2 in PAL regions), which isn't saying much. That's a whole sentence, right there. The main characters have received most of the attention for obvious reasons. There's some interesting 'physics' going on. The levels look depressingly bland, and there's some funky Nintendo 64-style circle shadows. The sound effects are nice and meaty, while the music consists of light techno and God awful J-Pop. The main theme sounds like a cat in a blender. "Daaaaaanger in disguuuiiiiisssseeee!"
Onechanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers is silly, brain damaging amusement. There's a surprisingly enjoyable combat system hidden under all the random controller shaking, and slicing a zombie in half, only to have their bottom half chase after you never gets old. Okay, it does, but still. There's also a co-op mode if two of you want to get together for a good time.
Score: 6/10 - "Try/Rent"
Considering the budget price tag, you could do much worse. Like buying a Marit Larsen album or something. Oh my, no.
Review by Lance McGill (Infernal Monkey)
FIFA 10
