Legends of Exidia

System: DSiWare
Developer: Gameloft
Publisher: Gameloft
Genre: RPG
Players: 1
Points: 800

DSiWare's first original RPG turns out to be... a port of 2007's Might and Magic II for the mobile phone. That's our Gameloft! Replace the character artwork, change the name, give it blast with the spice weasel and bam – completely new game. But sshh, don't tell anyone.

Legends of Exidia is pretty terrible. Sorry, but I can't possibly think of a clever way to piss away paragraphs without revealing this chin-stroking tidbit right off the bat. That's the whole review, see you tomorrow! It probably would have been quite decent when it was originally released on the mobile scene; but on the DS? Arguably the 'go-to' system for RPGs this generation? Yeah, no.

The story is a tiring mix of RPG cliches, and the dialogue appears to have been provided by a robot from the 1980s (one that's meant to give a glimpse into the year 2000). It's so stilted and sterile; none of the characters have any personality. Actually, wait - the NPCs that stagger around town all say "hello" or "good luck". They're the true heroes of conversation.


Being an action RPG, the combat is all in real-time. Hit detection is laughable, as the main character seems to have an enormous bounding box. Did a monster just sneeze on the other side of the room? That's an instant game over, right there. Meanwhile your attacks can go right through an enemy sprite as they glitch across the screen. Awful. The A button swings your sword, while the B button shoots magic. Don't worry about the magic, it's essentially useless thanks to a massive delay. By the time you've lined up a shot everyone will have gone home for the weekend.

Imagine my surprise when the credits rolled after a mere three hours! Yes, Legends of Exidia is quite the epic adventure. Well deserving of that 'premium' price point. You'll explore linear environments such as a forest, a castle, another forest, another castle, a forest covered in snow and a few towns in between. Your hand is held the entire way, the game leaves nothing to the imagination. Completing all the side missions will bump up the play time a bit, but they're all tedious fetch quests. "Find my lost chicken; oh it's standing right next to me, here's $50". "I'm a shithouse parent, find my child for me". "Where's Wally? Go look for him". "I'd really like some juice, but I'm too lazy to move, bring me some".

The graphics have a gritty look to them, but it doesn't look too bad for the most part. It reminded me of an early Mega Drive game, actually. Oddly, every female in Exidia has gigantic breasts that violently jiggle around even if they're standing still. Sometimes that's the only animation happening on-screen. I'm assuming Gameloft's pushing the DS to the max with this, as there are lengthy loading times every time you enter a new area. Impressive.


Score: 2.5/10 - "Whoops..."
800 Points for an awful three hour RPG? Outstanding!

Review by Lance McGill (Infernal Monkey)